Clouds of Despair by Jeanita
by spuffyfanatic1975
Summary: Jack comes home from the war seemingly a changed man.


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CLOUDS OF DESPAIR

Jack Dawson glanced out the window, watching the scenery pass him by as the train neared the town of Eau Claire, where his wife Rose will be awaiting his arrival. It's been well over a year since he's seen her last. But surprisingly, the upcoming reunion was not what was on Jack's mind. In fact, it was far from it.

You see, Jack's not returning from a business trip, nor a social visit or vacation. He was on his way back from Europe, after serving his duty by fighting in WWI. It was a hard and dangerous fight. Bombs, smoke, and screams were everywhere. But through it all, the luck that had gotten him through the horrors of Titanic held, and got him through the war. Like Titanic, he was coming back different. Gone were that lively step in his pace and that happy sparkle in his eyes. Gone was that carefree spirit. All that was left of the pre-war Jack was the all-consuming love he held for his wife. Through all the death and gunfire, Rose was still his lifeline.

"All Passengers! We are now approaching Eau Claire!" The conductor ranged through the cabin. "Please gather your belongings and be ready to disembark!"

Taking one last look at the cabin, Jack grabbed what little belongings he had and headed for the exit.

~*~

Rose bit her lip as she made her way through the already crowded station. Jack's train had just pulled in and wives, fiancées, mother's, and girlfriends crowded each other to get a glimpse of their soldier. But there was only one soldier that Rose wanted to see. Jack. It felt like a thousand years since she saw him last. She couldn't wait to feel those strong arms around her again. To feel his heart beating in rhythm with her own.

"Rose," the voice spoke from behind, soft and familiar. Tingling with anticipation, Rose turned to stare into a pair of beautiful, yet tired blue eyes. She stood there, wanting to just throw her arms around his shoulders, yet not sure if it was a good idea. Something told her that Jack wasn't the man that he was when he had left her side so long ago. That he had changed some how.

"Jack," was all she was able to croak out, wanting so bad to feel his arms around her. But no. She'll let him make the first move.

The silence was thick and heavy as Jack and Rose stood looking at one another, not really sure of what to say or do. Finally, Jack made the first move. With tears of joy for being home at last, safe and alive, mixed with tears of grief for those he had watched die, never to see their families again. He embraced Rose tightly, tears from the past several months were falling from his eyes. "I'm home Rose. I'm finally home!"

~*~

Hand in hand, the Dawson's enter the dark house they've shared for the past four years. Quickly, still holding onto Jack's hand, Rose found the nearest lamp and switched it on. It had been a silent cab ride home after their emotional reunion. But they never let go of each other's hand. It was like the physical contact reassured them that this wasn't a dream. That Jack was finally home for good.

"Are you hungry? Or did you eat on the train?" Rose asked, leading him deeper into the house.

"I ate on the train," Jack eagerly took in his surroundings. He was finally somewhere warm and familiar. Somewhere totally and completely safe. Suddenly he was extremely tired. It felt as if he hadn't slept in years. "If you don't mind, all I want to do right now is to collapse in a soft warm bed and sleep for a month or two. "

"Oh. Ok. The bed is all ready made for you," She forced a smile, disappointed that Jack would rather sleep then spend time with her.

He just nodded, holding her hand for one more minute longer before heading upstairs. Rose watched him go, worry clouding her happiness. Her Jack was different. Oh he still loved her. That was very clear by how he had refused to let her go up to now. But he was so…subdued. Gone was that eager spirit that enjoyed life to the fullest, that had shown her the joy of being alive. In his place was a man lost in his own skin. A man that seemed to be eternally sad.

"Oh Jack…what happened to you?" She wondered aloud before disappearing into the kitchen to make sandwiches for them both.

~*~

Night has fallen. After cleaning the kitchen, Rose made her way up to her room, a tray of sandwiches and fruit and a pitcher of lemonade in hand. She found Jack wide awake and staring up at the ceiling, seemingly lost in thought.

"I brought up some sandwiches. Just in case you got hungry," She sat the items on the bedside table. 

"It's quiet here," Jack sighed, turning his eyes to Rose. "No bombs. No gunfire. Just silence."

"Did you sleep ok?" Rose sat next to him, taking his limp hands in hers.

Jack laughed sarcastically. "I haven't slept well for over a year now. Everytime I close my eyes, I see…things that I hope to God never to see again. But I do…everytime I close my eyes."

Rose swallowed, her eyes growing even more worried. What Jack had been through must have been horrible. Even more so then Titanic. At least with Titanic, he had her to relate with. But with this…Jack was all alone. She had no idea what the war had done to him. Tentatively, she wrapped an arm around his shoulder, letting him lean on her. "I'm here Jack. Whenever you need me. Remember that everytime you close your eyes. That I'm here and the war is over."

"No Rose. I don't think it'll ever be over," a tear slipped from Jack's eyes.

Her heart breaking, she tightened her embrace, wanting to protect him from whatever it was that was haunting him.

~*~

It was midday. The day was bright and sunny. The men of troop 41 sat in their trenches, awaiting the first sign of enemy activity. Jack leaned against the mound of dirt, listening to Maxwell, his new best friend since they've arrived in Europe, talk on and on about his plans after the war. Maxwell DuBois was from New Orleans. He was tall with brown hair and green eyes. He was twenty years old and happily engaged to a girl named Lily Henri. A southern belle to the hilt from what Jack had seen of her picture. 

Jack and Maxwell had become fast friends when they discovered their common love of life. Neither of them wanted to be in this war. They had just wanted to go home to their lady loves and live happily ever after.

Right now Maxwell was telling Jack about his promise to return to Lily and how he couldn't wait to hold her in his arms again.

"I can smell her perfume Jack. Fragrance of roses and violets," Maxwell sighed, closing his eyes to relish the memory. Jack just smiled, remembering how his own wife had felt in his arms. That was when the bombing and gunfire began.

Both Jack and Maxwell picked up their guns, ready to shoot anything that appeared to endanger their lives. It was either to kill or be killed. Jack was so busy shooting that he almost didn't hear the coming of the falling bomb above. He quickly jumped out of the way, right in time as the bomb caused devastation all around.

Jack remained down until the smoke had cleared. Groans, cries for help, and screams rang out from the mass of bodies and limbs. Maxwell was first to come to Jack's mangled mind. Where was he? He was standing right next to Jack when the bomb had hit. Was he ok? He had to be. After all, Jack wasn't hurt at all and Maxwell was standing right next to him.

"Maxwell!" Jack called. "Maxwell!"

"Jack," the once strong voice was now weak with coming death and dispair.

"Maxwell!" Jack looked down as his fool accidentally hit a solid wall on the ground to find his friend terribly wounded. "Maxwell!"

He knelt down and pulled the wounded man into his lap, knowing how scared he must be. He wiped the blood out of the young man's eyes, determined to keep Maxwell alive until help came. He would not lose him to this blast war. Not like he lost Fabrizio to Titanic. He shivered, remembering the blackened and crushed corpse of his friend when he and Rose went to Halifax to claim the body. He had barely recognized his traveling companion. Jack had lived with the guilt of Fabrizio's death for years now. If it wasn't for him winning those tickets…Fabrizio would be alive now. Maybe he'd even be in America right now.

"Jack…," Maxwell's weakening voice brought him out of the dark memories and back to the present at hand.

"Hey, you're going to be fine," Jack forced a smile. "You're going to get out of here. As soon as they fix you up, you'll be going home to Lily."

Jack's smile wasn't contagious. Maxwell's face was grim, full of pain and devastation. "You're a terrible liar Dawson. I'm a goner. We both know that."

"Maxwell no…"

Grimacing, Maxwell pulled out a diamond ring out of his pocket. He held it up towards Jack. "When I first proposed, I couldn't afford to get her a ring. I finally brought this, but the draft notice came and it slipped my mind…until I left. I was hoping to give it to her when I returned."

"Really?" Jack looked at his friend and the ring.

"I wanted to have something of her with me, so I brought this," a tear slipped from his emerald eyes, reminding Jack just then of Rose when she cried. She had the same emerald gaze. To Jack's surprise, Maxwell pushed the ring into Jack's palm. Green eyes again met blue, burning into them intensely. "Take this to her Jack. When you get home…take this to my Lily," Breathing was becoming nearly impossible now and coughs began to rake his body terribly. "Tell…her…I'm sorry…I…love…her…tell…her…to…go…on…, " After that last word, Maxwell grew still, his eyes glazed over with death.

Jack blinked several times, not able to comprehend that he had lost his friend. "Maxwell? Maxwell com on. Stop playing around. Maxwell…I…can't…please wake up," His voice cracked as tears began to fall.

"Please Maxwell…no!" His sobs filled the smoky air, raising a notch above the mass of bodies and survivors. Jack was later found that night with Maxwell's body still held closely to his chest and sobbing for his friend to wake up. After prying Jack away from the corpse, he was sent to another platoon until the end of the war.

~*~

Jack awoke from the dream, at first disoriented, until he felt the warmth of Rose's body nearby. A tear in his eye, Jack got out of bed and stood at the window, looking out at the quiet street below. He wiped the tear away, sick and tired of crying. Tired of thinking about Maxwell's death. "It should have been me."

"Jack?" Rose stood behind him, a frown marring her lovely features. "What are you doing out of bed, and what should have been you?"

Jack swallowed, turning to face his wife, wishing that he could return to the way he was before the war. When he could be happy, finally free from the guilt of Titanic. Could he ever be that happy again? Jack didn't think so. "I couldn't sleep. I had a nightmare."

"Oh," Rose placed a cool hand on his shoulder. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Jack shrugged. "It was just a memory. That's all."

"Jack…don't do this."

"Do what?"

"Shut me out. You've been distancing yourself from me ever since you came home. You've barely even spoken to me…Jack, please. Talk to me. What happened to you over there? Why are you so withdrawn?"

Jack closed his eyes, wishing that Rose didn't love him as much as she did; that he didn't love her twice as much. That love was the reason why he could never deny her anything; the reason he couldn't deny her now. 

"Jack, are you even listening to me?"

"Of course I am. I'm just…it's a long story Rose. Long and sad."

"Well, I have no where else to be but here," Rose took his hand in hers and led him back to the bed. "Now tell me. What happened."

Jack looked away from her, all the time keeping her hand in his. His voice trembling with emotion, he told her all about Maxwell, how he had died and his final request. "It should have been me Rose. It's so unfair," Tears ran down his face as he remembered his time with Maxwell. "He was so young and full of life. Now he'll never see his Lily again and it's all my fault! I should have tried harder to keep him alive! Instead of jumping out of the way, I should have pushed him out of the line of fire!"

"Jack no…listen to me. What happened wasn't your fault. There was nothing you could have done. Just holding him like you did, making that promise…that probably gave him great comfort."

"It's just like Fabrizio. Being my friend got him killed and it did the same to Maxwell. I'm here alive and healthy while they're buried in the dark and cold."

"Jack…Fabrizio's death wasn't your fault and neither was Maxwell's. Look at me Jack and hear what I say," she forced him to look into her eyes. "You are not responsible for Maxwell's death. Neither are you responsible for Fabrizio's."

"But Rose…"

"No! No Jack! I am not going to let you blame yourself for something that was out of your control! Bad things happen to good people all the time. There's no excuse for it!" Rose's voice was stern and full of love and conviction. She's determined to make Jack stop beating himself up for something that was beyond his control. "There's just some things that we cannot control. Wars and sinking ships are only two of them. There was no way you could have stopped Maxwell from dying and it should not have been you. Do you know what your death would have done to me? I wouldn't be breathing. You're my life Jack. My whole reason for living."

"So I should move past it. Let the war go?"

Rose nodded. "Now, repeat after me. Maxwell's death was not my fault."

"Maxwell's death was not my fault," Jack sighed. "Some things can't be helped."

Rose nodded. "Feel better?"

"A little," he smiled slightly, just for the smile to fade again. "But what am I going to tell Lily when I give her the ring?"

"Tell her that he fought bravely and that his last thoughts were of her."

Jack bowed his head. "She's going to hate me."

"No Jack, she won't. If anything, she'll be grateful. If you like…I can come with you. We'll go the day after tomorrow. Give yourself time to rest first."

"Rose…you don't have to if you don't want…"

"I want to. I want to be the supportive one this time," she giggled. "Besides, I just got you back after a year separation. I won't be able to be away from you again for a while."

Jack smiled, the glow of love and gratitude glowing in his eyes. "Keep it up."

"Keep what up?" Rose asked, a bit confused.

"Keep making me fall even more in love with you," he pulled her into a warm embrace, full of love and safety.

For the first time since his return home, the clouds of guilt and despair began to lift, letting the rays of love and joy shine through. Jack knew that no matter what happened from here on out, everything will be alright, because Rose was by his side. With her love and support, he could make it through anything.

The End


End file.
